Susan Byars

I wish I had one of Carol's photos to capture the emotions this journey has uprooted. I can picture digging deep in my soul and dark gunk just keeps coming out. Maybe you can picture a very frustrated woman (me) trying to do a mindless bulk mail task at work on a day that nothing goes right mainly because of my stubbornness. I'm ready to just forget any hope of experiencing joy or peace on any permanent basis and although I have praise music playing, my thoughts are not praiseworthy. I realize I'm talking out loud (thankfully no one is around) and stop to write it down.

It's not about what's right (to me)

It's about obedience

It's not about what's fair (to me)

It's about obedience

It's not about what I want

It's not about me

It's not about what I can do

It's about what I can't

I can't turn off my thoughts as if they are worthless

I can't turn off my feelings as if they don't matter

I can't stop wanting things my way

But wait . . . . that's a good thing!

I can take every thought captive to Christ

I can practice faith in Christ my redeemer

I can want God's way

No, it's not about me. Thank Goodness!

It's about obedience

I do want to be obedient

Christ was obedient

In Him, I can be, too.

(Sorry my cut/paste job came out double-spaced--can't seem to fix it or find the underline button.)Anyway, I haven't given up the journey, am thankful it is a new day and "manna" is waiting. Yes, God is full of grace. It's been a week since the above incident and I've blown it many times. My mouth gets me into trouble. Mat. 12:34 says, "Out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." How convicting. The encouraging part is that I'm now convicted of things I do that I used to not see as my problem but could blame on someone else. I'm learning to get over it quicker (confession/receive forgiveness) rather than stay in a state of self-hate. In God's grace, He has given me second chances with people to help tear down the walls I'd built between us.

"Abide in Christ" has opened my eyes. Carol's words on weakness are true to me too. Corrie Ten Boom has great short devotions in "Each New Day" and I'll say good-bye to you bookgroup friends with her words:

May a dying Saviour's love

And a risen Saviour's power

And an ascended Saviour's prayer

And a returning Saviour's glory

Be the comfort and joy of your heart.